Deciphering Tiger's Code

This column appears in the February 26 edition of The DePauw.

In a week when a man crashed a plane into the IRS main office out of frustration, it only makes sense that all we noticed in the news was the most awkward ‘press conference’ in the history of television.

Forget the fact that Tiger Woods had the proverbial ‘deer in the headlights’ look for 15 minutes straight, an unconfirmed Guinness World Record. Forget the fact that this ‘press conference’ had two cameras, a handful of media personnel and a bunch of Tiger’s buddies there for support. Forget the fact that he didn’t even allow questions.

What’s important here, is that he at least did something.

He could have continued to stay in hiding, save for a few well-arranged photo opportunities and public statements until someone else messed up and everyone forgot about Tiger. But he didn’t, he came out to apologize to us, his sponsors, his family, and perhaps most importantly, the sporting community.

Sure, we all wish we know what is going on inside Tiger’s head. Is he being sincere? Is this just yet another cover-up? Did he walk behind that blue curtain and proceed to cheat on his wife again?

All of these are questions that we want answered.

Since that isn’t going to happen anytime soon, we have to work with what we have. I don’t want to speak for anybody else, but I know that anytime a man who got caught having upward of 16 affairs, with porn stars and sex tapes and possible love children, comes out to speak, I am going to listen. But what did he really tell us, if anything?

Well, quite a lot, actually. Here are some of the things I heard Tiger actually say during his press conference last Friday –

What he said: “Good morning, and thank you for joining me. Many of you in this room are my friends. Many of you in this room know me. Many of you have cheered for me or you've worked with me or you've supported me.”

What he meant: “Man, I am so glad that I got to choose who came to this thing. Don’t worry guys, lunch is on me after this.”

What he said: “I know people want to find out how I could be so selfish and so foolish. People want to know how I could have done these things to my wife Elin and to my children.”

What he meant: “Haha, the joke’s on you! I’m not actually going to tell you anything! Ha!”

What he said: “Elin and I have started the process of discussing the damage caused by my behavior.”

What he meant: “She hit me again the other night. This time with the 6-iron.”

What he said: “My behavior has caused considerable worry to my business partners.”

What he meant: “I’m still rich, right?”

What he said: “Some people have speculated that Elin somehow hurt or attacked me on Thanksgiving night. It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that.”

What he meant: “Are you kidding me? Didn’t you see my picture on the cover of Vanity Fair? I’m jacked! Do you think she could really hurt me?”

What he said: “Elin has shown enormous grace and poise throughout this ordeal. Elin deserves praise, not blame.”

What he meant: “Please forgive me, baby. You’re really hot.”

What he said: “I once heard, and I believe it's true, it's not what you achieve in life that matters; it's what you overcome.”

What he meant: “That’s a real saying, right? Come on, is has to be… what else can get me off the hook here?”

What he said: “I want to thank the PGA Tour, Commissioner [Tim] Finchem, and the players for their patience and understanding while I work on my private life. I look forward to seeing my fellow players on the course.”

What he meant: “You didn’t think I was coming back, did you Mickelson? Looks like I deceived you, too!”

What he said: “Finally, there are many people in this room, and there are many people at home who believed in me. Today I want to ask for your help. I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in me again.”

What he meant: “Look guys… My bad. But are you trying to tell me you wouldn’t have done the same in my situation?”

And with that, he walked back behind the blue curtain, and back out of our lives for another few months.

If you’re anything like me, you don’t want this to end. You want endless Tiger jokes for the rest of your life. But this will end, and we will once again be blessed to watch the most dominant athlete today walk the courses around the world, leaving destruction in his wake.

Just like The Terminator, Tiger will be back. And boy, does he have something to prove.

I can hardly wait.

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