The Sports World According to Professional Wrestling

Two weeks ago, for the 26^th time, the World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) held their biggest pay-per view event, WrestleMania. With over 72,000 people in attendance, it was one of the most attended sporting events in the last 12 months.

In case you missed it, The Undertaker kept his WrestleMania win streak alive, winning his 18^th Wrestlemania fight, and ending the career of Shawn Michaels in the process.

Don’t know what I am talking about?

Don’t worry, no one does.

Ever since The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin became actors, and wrestling became rated PG-13, and Vince McMahon became a parody of himself, and steroid-bans turned big pecs into even bigger man-boobs, wrestling just hasn’t been as good.

I remember the good old days: back when I was 12, thought it was real, and watched every event as if my life depended on it.

All of this got me thinking: Have you ever thought how much better life would be if all sports more closely resembled the WWE?

Think about it for a second – in the WWE, anybody can issue a challenge to the champion at any time. Imagine if after the 2009 World Series, the bitter Red Sox challenged the Yankees to a No-Holds Barred Steel Cage match for the 2009 World Series trophy. Are you trying to tell me you wouldn’t want to watch this?

When you think about it, we are already seeing some elements of professional wrestling in baseball. Hitters and pitchers have their own entrance music for when they come to the plate or the mound in a big situation. How much different is this to “Oh, you didn’t know?!” any time the Road Dogg would prepare to make his way to the ring in the 90’s?

This week, everyone pretended to be a golf fan as Tiger Woods made his comeback at The Masters. In wrestling, the performers are divided into two groups – ‘faces’ (good guys) and ‘heels’ (bad guys). Given everything that has transpired the last few months, Tiger Woods would make a great heel to Phil Mickelson’s face. As the two fought across the four days, eventually, the good guy won.

But imagine if, like in professional wrestling, the salty, jealous bad guy had attacked the winner from behind with the Championship Belt? (Or in this case, the Championship Jacket?) Can anyone honestly tell me they wouldn’t watch this?

Imagine if the professional tennis circuit held open tournaments to determine the Number 1 Contender to face Roger Federer at each tennis Major. Wouldn’t that be more exciting than watching Rafeal Nadal play some chump in the first round of Wimbledon and win in straight sets?

Or imagine if one day, NBA Commissioner David Stern announced that instead of a traditional basketball match, the Los Angeles Lakers and Cleveland Cavaliers would be competing in a ladder match, where the hoops at each end are raised so high that the only way to score points is to climb a ladder and put the ball in. Seriously, who wouldn’t watch that for at least one quarter?   

At the end of the day, no one sport can match the excitement, absurdity and outrageous antics of professional wrestling.

Maybe I shouldn’t have stopped watching after all.

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